Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Gotta Catch 'Em All

Over the last week, strange happenings have been reported across the Western World. People have fallen off cliffs, grown adults have stepped into moving traffic, children have been going outside and playing in the sun, when they should be indoors watching television and snapchatting each other photos of their own poo. What could be causing this strange behaviour, are people depressed about the current global situation? Unable to cope with this brave new world we live in? Perhaps this is the result of a strange alien virus, slowly we are being invaded and turned into mindless zombies? No, the answer is far more terrifying, everyone is playing Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go the mobile phone app by Nintendo which allows players to catch Pokemon in the real world, is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with modern society, a poisonous mix of nostalgia, mobile technology and a refusal to accept reality. Pokemon Go is taking the world by storm.

Source: Google Images 

Theresa May, the new Prime Minister and Pokemon Master,  moved into Number 10 this week, May addressed the people of Britain "I want to be the very best, like no one ever was." May's first act as Prime Minister was to download Pokemon Go. Having installed this important piece of government software she went about catching her Pokemon battle line up, ready for the big Pokemon Brexit Tournament. Her first big catch, Bojosaurus, who's specialist attack seems to be shouting racist slurs. Bojosaurus is the marmite of political Pokemon, whilst some love him, most find his existence an embarrassment. Having been given the task of Foreign Office, Bojosaurus, picked up his red briefcase and headed to his new office at MI6. After Moneypenny had made him a pot of tea and politely laughed at his sexist jokes, Bojosaurus opened the briefcase, ready to see what his first briefing as the Minister for the Foreign Office was. Inside the briefcase a simple scrap of paper which reads "Don't mention the war!".

May spent the next day catching Pokemon, Hammonard would become chief Pokemon to the Treasury, Rudditu would take May's old job in the Home Office and David Davis (a man to dull to be turned into a Pokemon) would lead the team in the Brexit Tournament. May is a serious Pokemon fighter and is willing to dispose of any Pokemon that get in her way and so it was Osborotle was thrown out of the Pokemon Gym and left to fend for himself.

At this point you're probably thinking the weird Pokemon metaphor would have run its course...but you'd be wrong.

Meanwhile in Jeremy Corbyn's allotment, the Labour NEC were into the 16th hour of debates about which turnip was best. Some members argued that rather than arguing about turnips the Labour Party should unite and start catching Pokemon. However John McDonnell said he didn't want to do that as all the Labour Pokemon were "fucking useless" and besides catching Pokemon went against the values of the Labour Party. Later after a turnip was thrown at Eaglerio, McDonnell said he was only joking and didn't see what the fuss was about.

Meanwhile, Tim Farron announced to the world's media that he was a big fan of Digimon and couldn't wait to download the Digimon Go app and get catching all those digital monsters.

I don't blame people for playing Pokemon Go, given the fact that every 24 hours the world seems to become more and more like a horrific nightmare, the idea of a world where your main priority is "Do I  have enough Pokemon balls" well that's quite appealing.

Monday, 11 July 2016


Following Britain’s decision to leave the EU on 23rd June our country has quickly turned into a nightmare version of its former self. The United Kingdom post Brexit resembles an episode of Trumpton penned by J G Ballad. Nibbs the Carpenter has taken to scrawling racist slurs, onto his Polish neighbour’s garage in dog excrement. Whilst Windy Miller ponders the future of his small business outside of the single market. 

The Auton High Commander has decided now is the time to retire the Cameron Model, in an emotional goodbye to the nation we all watched and long for the days when the biggest news story was the Prime Minister sticking his dick into a dead pig. With the Cameron Auton gone, we now have two choices. Theresa May described as a “safe pair of hands”. The type of hands that could easily hold down an unmentionable as Special Forces water board him into a confession. Or Andrea Leadsom, a woman who looks like the Chairwoman of a demented W.I. group, all Jam and Jerusalem to your face, but she wouldn’t think twice about throwing you in a Wicker Man and setting fire to it. 

NEWS UPDATE KLAXON - Andrea Leadsom has resigned and thus pissing on a perfectly good joke bonfire! 

Meanwhile the Labour Party are hiding in Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment , bickering over which turnip is best. On the left a small shrivelled up turnip, organic and longing for a return to public owned industry and on the right a much bigger and juicer turnip, sprayed with preservatives and in favour of the free market. With the PLP unable to make their mind up, they just set fire to the allotment.

Everyone gets a short break from the Brexit migraine to be reminded of happier times, as the Chilcot Report into the Iraq War is published. Coming in a 6.2 million words many are phased by its size, not me, my generation were brought up reading the Harry Potter books.  The Chilcot Reports slowly comes to the conclusion that everyone else reached thirteen years ago. Still it’s nice to have your views as a teenager validated, now if Sir John Chilcot could just get on with publishing his report into why The Libertines are better than The Beatles and how my uncut flop of hair was highly fashionable and NOT a greasy untamed mess , then I’m golden.

Anyway that’s enough of that back to Brexit and the far right are on the rise. Britain First the bastard child of The Only Way Is Essex and the National Front are busy roaming around Sherwood Forest desperately looking for immigrants, posting a video on You Tube which renders satire pointless. Whilst Nigel Farage sits on his favourite bar stool in the Cock & Bull pub, knocking back a pint of “Churchill’s regret” celebrating his piss up in a brewery. Not only had he achieved his dream of leaving the EU, he’s also broken his own personal record for how many water dispensers he can piss in, in one afternoon, at the European Parliament. Having stepped down as leader of UKIP, Farage now wonders what he can do next. Perhaps he can campaign to be allowed to smoke in pubs again? Or maybe he could bring back The Black and White Minstrel Show, he’s heard “The Netflix” is popular these days.

As Cameron falls on his sword and awaits his career in the private sector to kick off. Politicians from across the spectrum are forced to admit that none of them have a plan. Everyone was too busy campaigning for Remain or Leave that nobody took the time to write down what a post Brexit Britain would look like. They all presumed somebody else was doing that. Ken Clarke, a man who seems constantly surprised to be in the Conservative Party, had some notes but he left them in the restaurant he was drinking in at lunch time.

As the island we live in falls into chaos, the internet crashes as 48% of the population starts googling how to get an Irish Passport. The other 52% await the impending doom, there is some good news…Radiohead have a new album. At least the apocalypse will have a pretty good soundtrack.