Monday, 11 July 2016


Following Britain’s decision to leave the EU on 23rd June our country has quickly turned into a nightmare version of its former self. The United Kingdom post Brexit resembles an episode of Trumpton penned by J G Ballad. Nibbs the Carpenter has taken to scrawling racist slurs, onto his Polish neighbour’s garage in dog excrement. Whilst Windy Miller ponders the future of his small business outside of the single market. 

The Auton High Commander has decided now is the time to retire the Cameron Model, in an emotional goodbye to the nation we all watched and long for the days when the biggest news story was the Prime Minister sticking his dick into a dead pig. With the Cameron Auton gone, we now have two choices. Theresa May described as a “safe pair of hands”. The type of hands that could easily hold down an unmentionable as Special Forces water board him into a confession. Or Andrea Leadsom, a woman who looks like the Chairwoman of a demented W.I. group, all Jam and Jerusalem to your face, but she wouldn’t think twice about throwing you in a Wicker Man and setting fire to it. 

NEWS UPDATE KLAXON - Andrea Leadsom has resigned and thus pissing on a perfectly good joke bonfire! 

Meanwhile the Labour Party are hiding in Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment , bickering over which turnip is best. On the left a small shrivelled up turnip, organic and longing for a return to public owned industry and on the right a much bigger and juicer turnip, sprayed with preservatives and in favour of the free market. With the PLP unable to make their mind up, they just set fire to the allotment.

Everyone gets a short break from the Brexit migraine to be reminded of happier times, as the Chilcot Report into the Iraq War is published. Coming in a 6.2 million words many are phased by its size, not me, my generation were brought up reading the Harry Potter books.  The Chilcot Reports slowly comes to the conclusion that everyone else reached thirteen years ago. Still it’s nice to have your views as a teenager validated, now if Sir John Chilcot could just get on with publishing his report into why The Libertines are better than The Beatles and how my uncut flop of hair was highly fashionable and NOT a greasy untamed mess , then I’m golden.

Anyway that’s enough of that back to Brexit and the far right are on the rise. Britain First the bastard child of The Only Way Is Essex and the National Front are busy roaming around Sherwood Forest desperately looking for immigrants, posting a video on You Tube which renders satire pointless. Whilst Nigel Farage sits on his favourite bar stool in the Cock & Bull pub, knocking back a pint of “Churchill’s regret” celebrating his piss up in a brewery. Not only had he achieved his dream of leaving the EU, he’s also broken his own personal record for how many water dispensers he can piss in, in one afternoon, at the European Parliament. Having stepped down as leader of UKIP, Farage now wonders what he can do next. Perhaps he can campaign to be allowed to smoke in pubs again? Or maybe he could bring back The Black and White Minstrel Show, he’s heard “The Netflix” is popular these days.

As Cameron falls on his sword and awaits his career in the private sector to kick off. Politicians from across the spectrum are forced to admit that none of them have a plan. Everyone was too busy campaigning for Remain or Leave that nobody took the time to write down what a post Brexit Britain would look like. They all presumed somebody else was doing that. Ken Clarke, a man who seems constantly surprised to be in the Conservative Party, had some notes but he left them in the restaurant he was drinking in at lunch time.

As the island we live in falls into chaos, the internet crashes as 48% of the population starts googling how to get an Irish Passport. The other 52% await the impending doom, there is some good news…Radiohead have a new album. At least the apocalypse will have a pretty good soundtrack. 

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