Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Gotta Catch 'Em All

Over the last week, strange happenings have been reported across the Western World. People have fallen off cliffs, grown adults have stepped into moving traffic, children have been going outside and playing in the sun, when they should be indoors watching television and snapchatting each other photos of their own poo. What could be causing this strange behaviour, are people depressed about the current global situation? Unable to cope with this brave new world we live in? Perhaps this is the result of a strange alien virus, slowly we are being invaded and turned into mindless zombies? No, the answer is far more terrifying, everyone is playing Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go the mobile phone app by Nintendo which allows players to catch Pokemon in the real world, is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with modern society, a poisonous mix of nostalgia, mobile technology and a refusal to accept reality. Pokemon Go is taking the world by storm.

Source: Google Images 

Theresa May, the new Prime Minister and Pokemon Master,  moved into Number 10 this week, May addressed the people of Britain "I want to be the very best, like no one ever was." May's first act as Prime Minister was to download Pokemon Go. Having installed this important piece of government software she went about catching her Pokemon battle line up, ready for the big Pokemon Brexit Tournament. Her first big catch, Bojosaurus, who's specialist attack seems to be shouting racist slurs. Bojosaurus is the marmite of political Pokemon, whilst some love him, most find his existence an embarrassment. Having been given the task of Foreign Office, Bojosaurus, picked up his red briefcase and headed to his new office at MI6. After Moneypenny had made him a pot of tea and politely laughed at his sexist jokes, Bojosaurus opened the briefcase, ready to see what his first briefing as the Minister for the Foreign Office was. Inside the briefcase a simple scrap of paper which reads "Don't mention the war!".

May spent the next day catching Pokemon, Hammonard would become chief Pokemon to the Treasury, Rudditu would take May's old job in the Home Office and David Davis (a man to dull to be turned into a Pokemon) would lead the team in the Brexit Tournament. May is a serious Pokemon fighter and is willing to dispose of any Pokemon that get in her way and so it was Osborotle was thrown out of the Pokemon Gym and left to fend for himself.

At this point you're probably thinking the weird Pokemon metaphor would have run its course...but you'd be wrong.

Meanwhile in Jeremy Corbyn's allotment, the Labour NEC were into the 16th hour of debates about which turnip was best. Some members argued that rather than arguing about turnips the Labour Party should unite and start catching Pokemon. However John McDonnell said he didn't want to do that as all the Labour Pokemon were "fucking useless" and besides catching Pokemon went against the values of the Labour Party. Later after a turnip was thrown at Eaglerio, McDonnell said he was only joking and didn't see what the fuss was about.

Meanwhile, Tim Farron announced to the world's media that he was a big fan of Digimon and couldn't wait to download the Digimon Go app and get catching all those digital monsters.

I don't blame people for playing Pokemon Go, given the fact that every 24 hours the world seems to become more and more like a horrific nightmare, the idea of a world where your main priority is "Do I  have enough Pokemon balls" well that's quite appealing.

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